Many people believe the breakup hits the dumper a certain number of days after the breakup. They think their ex will become nostalgic and anxious (like them), realize their worth, regret leaving, and come back if they focus on themselves and stay silent long enough.
Although post-breakup silence is important, it’s just one of many requirements for reuniting with the dumper. A much more important requirement is giving the dumper an unlimited amount of time to process the breakup and engage in activities he or she wants to engage in.
If the dumper wants to date other people and have the time of his or her life while doing so, you must let the dumper do that. You mustn’t wait a pre-set number of days (usually 30, 45, or 60) and reach out to your ex, thinking your ex will be super receptive to you.
If your ex is receptive (talkative, friendly, apologetic, and curious), it’s not because your ex has redeveloped romantic feelings and wants you back but because the power of silence after the breakup positively affected your ex. It made your ex enjoy the space he or she needed to live happily and become curious about you.
Eagerness to converse indicates your ex has dealt with some (not all) negative breakup emotions and that your ex has been thinking about you.
It’s no secret that dumpers think about their exes. It may not be as often and obsessively as dumpees think about them, but they do wonder about their exes from time to time. They become curious about their exes’ happiness and their new life in general.
If they become curious and reach out or if you make the job easier for them and reach out yourself, you could see that your ex may be ready to talk about pointless things.
Some dumpers are very engaging during the first conversation after the breakup. They ask questions, talk about the past, joke, giggle, touch, flirt, and sometimes even cry. They often appear to be back to their normal, patient, and caring selves.
Sadly, this is only a facade.
They act respectfully and nicely because they feel a mixture of relief and excitement a the sight of their ex.
Simply put, those who appear happy to see their ex either want to:
- Be friends with their ex.
- Clear their conscience and continue to focus on themselves.
When your ex reaches out for the first time, you can tell what your ex wants from you by observing his or her behavior.
If your ex keeps reaching out, telling you things, or asking for support, your ex wants to be your friend. And if your ex is nowhere to be seen after the interaction and only reaches out occasionally (once every few weeks, your ex wants to keep you around for other reasons. Reasons such as boredom and help with things you can help with.
Your ex wants to communicate only when it’s beneficial for him or her.
Anyway, the breakup doesn’t hit the dumper when you want it to. It hits the dumper when he overestimates his importance and ability to deal with the dark side of life.
The dark side of life includes:
- anxiety
- depression
- stressors
- loneliness
- low self-esteem
- overthinking
- and other negative emotions people go through
Negative emotions can be caused by negative events such as:
- romantic rejections
- separations and divorces
- losses of friendship
- ruined personal goals and unmanifested expectations
- financial problems
- poor social life
- poor emotional and physical health
- random difficulties in life
If the dumper gets in trouble or encounters a problem he or she can’t deal with, the dumper gets hit by the breakup and realizes that things won’t be as easy as he or she expected them to be. Unpredictable negative events can cause negative emotions and the reflection necessary for the dumper to crave the love and support he or she had in the past (with you or other exes).
All the dumper needs to want to be with you is to:
- suffer immensely
- change his or her thinking
- respect you
- find you attractive
- consider you the only person in the world who can help him or her deal with problems and pain and feel secure.
This sounds simple, but it’s not. It’s complicated because your ex’s return doesn’t depend on time alone. If your ex doesn’t put himself or herself in risky situations that let him or her get hurt or if nothing bad happens to your ex that makes your ex compare the present to the past, no amount of time will make your ex engage in introspection and self-reflection.
Your ex will probably just continue to encounter problems of all sorts and blame other people for them. Your ex’s victim mentality will make your ex happy with the decision to abandon the relationship even if life hasn’t been very satisfactory. To come back, life would have to be much worse. It would have to be so bad your ex reconsiders his or her decisions and chances of being happy on the path he or she is currently on.
So keep in mind that the breakup hits the dumper when the dumper respects you, has high expectations of life after the breakup, gets hurt by something unpredictable, and discovers your romantic worth through failure and pain. That’s when the breakup or rather, the issues after the breakup hit your ex and show your ex that he or she won’t be happy with the life he or she has chosen.
In today’s article, we examine when the breakup hits the dumper and what you can do to look attractive and get back with your ex when the time is right.
When does the breakup hit the dumper?
If you think the breakup hits the dumper after 30 days or any pre-determined number of days, you need to reconsider this notion. Ask yourself what would make you get hit by a breakup after you’ve left your ex and felt relieved by the breakup.
Upon reflection, you may come to understand that you wouldn’t want your ex back just because your ex left you alone for a while. You might miss your ex as a friend or a person, but probably not as a romantic partner.
Romantic feelings return not when dumpers are left alone for a while but when they encounter predicaments they lack the tools and willingness to deal with on their own.
Dumpers’ return is situational rather than set on a timeframe.
If you think time is the most important factor, it’s probably because of phony ex-back coaches who tell dumpees that reconciliations are a matter of time rather than situation. Such coaches make you cling to hope instead of encouraging logical thinking and the pursuit of realistic ex-back advice.
If you follow the advice that sounds extremely hopeful (too good to be true), you’ll likely reach out to your dumper ex after a while, hand over your remaining power and self-respect, and significantly decrease your chances of reconciliation.
You’ll feel even more hurt and desperate for a relationship.
Hence, I encourage you to avoid thinking that reconciliations are only a matter of time. Some dumpers take years or decades to get back with their ex (whereas others never come back). They take long because they have to fail (multiple times) – often with other people before they reflect and realize they’re responsible for their failed relationships and lack of happiness.
Reality hits them hard because they learn they overestimated their ability to live a happy, fulfilling, and independent life.
So bear in mind that the breakup hits the dumper when the dumper expects too much (too soon) and doesn’t consider his or her flaws and mistakes. High ego and a lack of reflection, self-investment, and positive change make them suffer emotionally and enable them to improve their thinking.
If they improve it, they come back and have a better relationship with their ex. And if they don’t improve it, they don’t come back or come back only temporarily to take from their ex-partner.
You want to make sure your ex wants to invest in the relationship rather than just take what he or she can from it. Do this by asking your regretful ex lots of questions and determining if he or she is telling the truth. Don’t take your ex back if your ex doesn’t understand why the breakup happened and doesn’t take accountability for what he or she did to you and the relationship.
Relationships should get another chance only when the dumper gets hit (seriously affected) by the breakup and develops the self-awareness necessary for personal growth. They should get one final chance when the dumper sees how badly he or she messed up and that getting back together will boost his or her happiness and well-being.
Not only should the dumper recognize his or her mistakes and flaws, but the dumper should also comprehend that fixing trust will take time, dedication, and sacrifice.
With that said, here’s when the breakup hits the dumper.
When does the breakup hit the female dumper vs the male dumper?
There is no significant difference between genders regarding the timing of when they get hit by the breakup and want their ex back. Males and females process difficulties slightly differently (women tend to talk about them more often and in greater detail), but they both run back to their ex for healing, validation, and safety.
They realize they don’t want to move forward without their ex and that they made a terrible, selfish, and unpremeditated decision. This kind of thinking puts their ex on a pedestal and makes them dependent on their ex for happiness and self-love.
Both men and women can realize they took their ex for granted and overestimated their capabilities. They tend to realize their true worth when they get involved with someone new and compare their new dating partner’s worst traits to their ex-partner’s best ones.
If the difference in quality or compatibility is significant, dumpers may start to wonder if they’ve made the right decision and experience the seller’s remorse. The longer they feel confused, unhappy, and doubtful, the bigger the chance that they redevelop feelings for their ex and ask their ex for forgiveness and another chance.
It doesn’t matter what gender dumpers are. All that matters is their maturity, how they perceive their ex, and how happy they are with their new partner/life. Luck is a big factor too. Some dumpers get involved with the wrong person and realize they got attracted to a person’s superficial and unimportant traits.
This realization can make them see that their situation is hopeless and that they could be happier if they got back with an ex who never stopped loving them.
Some people claim that guys stay bitter forever and that women never look back, but that’s not true. It’s a stereotype dumpees tell themselves to kill their hope.
In my career as a breakup coach, I’ve seen both men and women get hit by a breakup. Both genders became unhappy, anxious, and regretful when life gave them lemons and made them want to continue the relationship from where they left off.
They didn’t care what gender their ex was because they desperately needed their ex to accept them and love them.
Do breakups hit the dumper later?
Breakups hit the dumper later rather than sooner. They hit him weeks, months, years, or even decades after the breakup when he faces challenges he doesn’t know how to deal with. That’s when the breakup triggers his unwanted emotions and obsessive thoughts and forces him to address the problems he swept under the rug.
A dumper can’t keep running away from unresolved problems forever. At some point (typically when things go drastically awry), he’s forced to think about his decisions and behaviors and may realize he’s made the same mistakes. He may understand that instead of learning from the breakup and preventing history from repeating itself, he considered himself a victim and failed miserably as a result.
Sadly, not all dumpers are wise enough to understand they’re responsible for their failures. Many dumpers blame others for their emotions and mistakes and make no or very few improvements. They don’t grow in ways they need to because they’re convinced the world conspires against them and that it should adapt to their views, wants, and needs.
Such dumpers don’t get hit by breakups in ways they need to get hit to evolve and come back. They get hit in ways that make them angry and point fingers at everyone but them. As a result, such dumpers continue to suffer and move on from one best thing to the next.
They essentially chase external happiness and ignore the need to work on their internal happiness.
Breakups certainly hit the dumper later than the dumpee. The dumpee suffers immediately after rejection whereas the dumper experiences a phase of happiness and relief. He feels empowered by the breakup and wonders why he hadn’t initiated the breakup sooner. Had he gotten rid of the dumpee weeks or months prior to the breakup, he would have spared himself a great deal of pain and effort.
So yes, breakups hit the dumper much later (than the dumpee). They hit him hard when he least expects it because that’s when he gets his expectations, happiness, ego, and self-esteem crushed and experiences a powerful emotional setback.
The dumper goes from feeling unstoppable and thinking things are only going to keep getting better to feeling pessimistic and thinking his life is falling apart at the speed of light.
When the dumper gets hit by influences unrelated to the breakup, he may engage in self-reflection and make the necessary internal changes required for reconciliation.
Whether he makes the changes necessary for reconciliation depends on two main things:
- His maturity.
- How important the dumpee is to him.
The biggest mistake dumpees make is that they assume their ex will be directly affected by the breakup itself. They think their ex will have an epiphany and come back after a certain number of days simply due to nostalgia or the fear of being replaced by someone else.
They fail to understand that dumpers seldom get nostalgic or insecure out of the blue.
When they get scared (to the point of wanting their ex back), something bad happens to them and forces them to learn their ex’s worth the hard way. That’s when they get their exaggerated sense of self-importance pulverized and understand that their long-term happiness is at stake.
They understand their ex will move on, meet someone else, and give that person the love that he or she used to receive and take for granted. If they don’t act fast (but cautiously), their ex will get over them or reject them and make them live with pain and regrets.
What happens when the breakup hits the dumper?
You need to know that a dumper who gets hit by the breakup won’t breadcrumb you, clown around, and waste your time. He or she will understand that he or she is no longer in charge of the breakup and that your forgiveness and willingness to try again determine whether he or she is happy or miserable.
When the breakup hits the dumper, the dumper will feel hurt and want you back. He or she will regret leaving and be in a hurry to reconcile. You can expect the dumper to unblock you, follow you, reach out, and ask for another chance. The dumper will do everything from initiating conversations to getting back together with you.
You won’t have to do anything to reattract the dumper because the dumper will already feel attracted and eager to bond. You’ll just have to ask questions and figure out why your ex wants you back all of a sudden. If your ex wants you back for legitimate reasons (and you can forgive and love your ex), you can give your ex a chance to show his or her improvements and commitment to you.
Always remember that when a breakup hits the dumper, it affects his or her self-esteem and triggers a strong need for love and support. The breakup makes the dumper chase you and rely on you for happiness and safety.
You can tell your ex got hit by the breakup when he or she is miserable and needs you to regain control of unwanted emotions caused by unpredictable events. His or her eagerness to communicate and be around you tells you that you’ve once again become significant to your ex.
You get to decide whether you want your ex in your life or not.
When do you think the breakup hits the dumper? How does it affect the dumper? Let us know your thoughts below the post.
And if you want to talk about the events that stop your ex from feeling elated and start missing and needing you, go to our coaching page and subscribe to 1-on-1 coaching.
My name is Zan, and I’m a writer and a breakup analyst. I write relationship and breakup articles and strive to strike a harmonious balance between empathy and realism. If you appreciate my content, feel free to leave a comment or support me by buying me a ko-fi.
