If you’ve been broken up with and want your ex back, you’ve probably heard of the rules of no contact. You’ve heard that certain behaviors trap, guilt-trip, smother, and irritate your ex, whereas others, give your ex the space to do what he or she wants and prevent your ex from becoming rude, cold, mean, and resentful.
The behaviors you want to know about are called the rules of no contact. These self-imposed rules demand that you stay away from your ex and rely on yourself for happiness. You must deal with your problems and feelings without your ex and leave your ex out of your life unless the topic of conversation is work, kids, mortgage, personal belongings, or something equally important that interests you both and can’t wait.
In that case, you can break the rules of no contact and prioritize what needs to be done. You can contact your ex during reasonable hours and immediately express your reasons for reaching out.
Other (personal) reasons aren’t legitimate reasons for reaching out. They’re excuses dumpees use to break the silence and obtain validation from their ex. When they do that, dumpers see right through them, reject them, and make them regret sliding back into their DMs.
So bear in mind that the rules of no contact apply to the majority of breakups and that you must follow all of them, not just the ones you like. You must adhere to no contact indefinitely and wait for your ex’s feelings to change and regret to kick in. You’ll know your ex has become regretful and redeveloped feelings when he or she reaches out and expresses the desire to work on the relationship.
That’s how you’ll know that no contact worked as intended and that your relationship may get another chance.
The rules of no contact are very straightforward. They demand no:
- texting
- calling
- liking
- sharing
- sending letters and gifts
- reaching out from fake accounts
- talking to friends about your ex
- and doing anything that shows you’re obsessed with your ex and trying to obtain information and get back together
Although starting no contact can be difficult, most dumpees don’t break the no contact rules once you’ve committed to them. They feel tempted to do it when they feel the most anxious and nostalgic, but they know nothing good will come of breaking no contact. They’ll just see how little their ex cares about them and that they can’t change their ex’s mind.
The things dumpees struggle with the most are letting go of hope and getting over the breakup. They don’t know how to stop caring about their ex and give up on their ex completely. One of the reasons for this is that they do no contact specifically to reattract their ex and get another chance with their ex.
They fail to understand that no contact’s main purpose is to help them recover emotionally and redevelop self-love and purpose in life. That explains why they hold on to their ex for dear life and keep waiting for their ex to realize their worth.
If you got dumped and want no contact to positively affect your ex’s thinking, one of your main reasons for starting no contact must be to regain your sense of self-worth. You mustn’t do NC just to make your ex miss you and want you back. You can do it initially for a few weeks to get through the storm, but after that, you must think of no contact as a tool to grow as a person, heal, and improve your life as much as possible.
Believe it or not, these changes also make you look attractive. When your ex finally checks up on you on social media, asks your friends about you, or contacts you and tries to figure out how you’re doing, he or she will see that you’re taking care of yourself and moving on. Your ex will realize that you’re not crying in bed all day and doing nothing with your life.
This will consequently encourage your ex to think about your strength, self-worth, and ability to succeed in life and respect you for moving past the breakup.
So make sure to follow all the no contact rules, including the ones that encourage you to improve your flaws and detach from your ex. Detaching doesn’t mean that you’ll never want to be with your ex. All it means is that you put yourself and your interests first.
No contact won’t hurt your chances of reconciliation. If anything, it will increase them because you’ll leave your ex to his or her devices and demonstrate that you can stand on your own two feet. The stronger you appear, the bigger the chance that your ex will want to be with you when he or she encounters a serious problem and needs you.
Try not to doubt no contact and its rules. If there was another way to make your ex love you, I would have told you about it. You would probably know about it too because it would be very successful.
Since there’s no direct way to change your ex’s premeditated decision, all you can do is attempt to change it indirectly by following the rules of no contact and letting your ex process the breakup at the rate that he or she is comfortable with.
You’re essentially counting two things:
- On time to decrease your ex’s pressure, anger, and resentment.
- On some negative experience to improve your ex’s perception of you and redevelop feelings.
No contact can help you get back together with your ex, provided you understand the rules of no contact and follow them down to a T. It can’t, however, force your ex to take you back when he or she has a victim mentality and is convinced you’re responsible for the breakup. Your ex must redevelop feelings of his or her own accord.
Something or someone must stop your ex from being happy and motivate your ex to consider you a good backup option. When that happens, the rules of no contact will come into play and urge your ex to reconnect with you. This is because you’ll retain your value as a dumpee and have something of value to offer to your unhappy ex.
So if you want to know more about no contact and its effectiveness, keep in mind that no contact is a universal set of rules that always gives you the best results. It doesn’t always guarantee reconciliation, but it does heal your wounds and leave the best impression on your ex.
That’s because it retains your value and makes it possible for your ex to want to get back together when/if things go awry.
In today’s post, we talk about the rules of no contact and why every dumpee should follow them whether he or she wants the dumper back or not.
What are the rules of no contact?
The rules of no contact are restrictions that prevent you from interacting with your ex and making your ex think poorly of you. They’re conditions that let your ex be in charge of the breakup and encourage your ex to deal with pent-up frustrations.
The rules of no contact are very easy to understand but not so easy to stay loyal to long-term. Despite knowing your ex needs space and time away from you, no contact can be extremely difficult at times. The difficulty varies for each dumpee, but most dumpees encounter at least a few moments of weakness where they doubt no contact and entertain the idea of breaking its rules.
They think their situation is unique and that no contact may not apply to them. Such thoughts tempt them to search for reasons to contact their ex (why not contact is bad for them and won’t work) and risk falling prey to online charlatans who advocate short no contact rules or communication-based no contact rules.
The ones who break the rules of no contact more often than not get disappointed and brokenhearted again. This is because they experience a second rejection and lose more hope than they’re capable of losing. A sudden loss of hope tends to shock them and causes them to spiral into depression.
I know you’re looking for hope that no contact will work for you, but if you look for it in the wrong places, you’ll get false hope. False hope may feel empowering for a moment, but it will hurt you and cause you more problems in the long run. It will make you hungrier for your ex’s recognition and wound you badly when your ex shatters your expectations.
So don’t only listen to people who tell you everything will be great. Make sure to also listen to people who understand breakup dynamics and tell you what you need to hear rather than want to hear. They’ll give you better advice and help you detach quicker.
Also, read realistic articles that say things could go both ways. You could either get back together with your ex or stay broken up.
If you only read articles that say it’s only a matter of time before your ex realizes what a great person you are and misses you, you’ll stay hung up on your ex and suffer for months to come. In some extreme cases, dumpees stay attached to their ex for years. They refuse to go no contact and convince themselves they must persuade their ex to give them another chance.
Such dumpees waste years of their life on an ex who doesn’t want anything to do with them.
Therefore, the rules of no contact are the most important self-respect-preserving tool. Yes, they could encourage your ex to see you in a positive light and make your ex want you back, but what’s even more important is that they will get rid of the separation anxiety for you. They’ll push your ex out of your system and make you comfortable with your own company.
The rules of no contact are an essential part of the recovery process. If you don’t go no contact, you’ll keep obsessing over your ex and analyzing your ex’s every word and action. You’ll convince yourself you have the power to change your ex’s perception of you and that your ex will fall back in love with you as long as you stay on your best behavior.
That’s unfortunately not true. Your ex won’t redevelop feelings just because you’re being patient and respectful. It’s much more likely that your ex will friend-zone you and use you for his or her selfish gain.
Feelings require a strong incentive to redevelop. And a strong incentive requires something shocking, painful, and unpredictable. Something that would destroy your ex’s post-breakup expectations, affect your ex’s self-esteem, and change your importance in your ex’s life.
This can be a romantic rejection, a breakup, problems with health or family, or anything that stops your ex from enjoying his or her post-breakup life and causes your ex to reflect.
The rules of no contact can make your ex see that you’re a strong individual who can help him or her deal with personal problems and difficult emotions. Your ex just has to get hurt and consider you someone strong and reliable.
The point of no contact is to give your ex as much space as he or she needs to run into problems and figure out if he or she can resolve them without you. If your ex can resolve them, your ex probably won’t come back. Your ex will keep moving forward and rely on other support systems.
But if your ex’s support system is lacking, then your ex could come back when life gets difficult and forces him or her to engage in reflection.
You must be patient and let the rules of no contact do their job. You must let your ex reach out and explain that he or she wants to give the relationship another chance. When that happens, you can consider no contact finished and talk about your relationship expectations.
Some dumpees think no contact is manipulative, but that’s not what no contact is. No contact is our last resort technique to rely on when your ex has no more feelings for you and doesn’t want to work on regaining them. It’s your last option when your ex doesn’t see you romantically.
It doesn’t manipulate your ex into caring. It can’t do that because your ex is in charge of his or her thoughts and feelings. All no contact can do is let your ex test out his or her ability to live a stable, happy life.
Therefore, the rules of no contact are nothing but guidelines on how to respect your ex’s decision, space, privacy, and feelings. They give your ex the space and time to self-prioritize, get in trouble, and figure out whether he or she has made the right decision.
You have nothing to lose by starting no contact—and everything to gain.
That being said, here’s the definition of the rules of no contact.
How long should I follow the rules of no contact?
The rules of no contact are indefinite. You should adhere to them for as long as you emotionally depend on your ex for recognition and pine over your ex. Consider them valid until you process the breakup and find the strength to move on. That’s when your ex’s words and behaviors won’t hurt you anymore and bring out the worst in you.
So if you want to know how long the no contact rule is, the simplest answer is forever. You must follow the no contact rules for as long as you want your ex back. As long as you want your ex back and aren’t ready to start a new relationship with someone else, the rules of no contact will save you from getting rejected and hurt by your ex.
They’ll teach you to love yourself and show you that life goes on even without your ex.
Some dumpees stop no contact the moment their ex reaches out. They think no contact ends officially when they hear from their ex. Unfortunately, this isn’t true. If their ex doesn’t want them back and they’re not over their ex, they must stay committed to no contact even after receiving a text or call from their former partner.
If they consider their ex’s random reach out (a breadcrumb) the moment they can safely stop giving their ex space, they risk overwhelming their ex and getting pushed away again. Such dumpees often learn the hard way that they can’t reason with their ex and that no contact ends when their ex changes his or her mind about the breakup.
Hence, the rules of no contact must remain in place until:
- You get over your ex and want to occasionally chat or befriend your ex.
- You still respect your ex and see the positives in talking to your ex.
Do your best not to doubt the rules of no contact. No matter how tempted you feel to break them during the most difficult days, remember that you can’t lose your ex more than you’ve already lost him or her. If you do no contact, you can only make things better by respecting your ex’s space and letting him or her come to you on his or her terms.
Are you ready to follow the rules of no contact or are you already following them? Post your thoughts and experiences with no contact in the comments section below.
And if you want to discuss no contact and other ex-related strategies with us, get in touch with us via our coaching program. Together, we’ll go through your breakup experience and create a plan tailored to your unique situation.
My name is Zan, and I’m a writer and a breakup analyst. I write relationship and breakup articles and strive to strike a harmonious balance between empathy and realism. If you appreciate my content, feel free to leave a comment or support me by buying me a ko-fi.
