When an ex talks to you one moment and ignores you the next, your ex talks to you only when it’s convenient for him or her. Your ex reaches out or responds when your ex feels bored, curious, lonely, nostalgic, guilty, anxious, or scared or when your ex needs some kind of favor or benefit.
Something or someone makes your ex want to talk to you for as long as talking makes your ex feel respected, appreciated, supported, or validated. When your ex doesn’t feel the need to feel empowered by you, however, (probably when your ex finds better people or things to talk to and rely on), your ex immediately stops responding or hangs up the call and makes you wonder what caused your ex to ignore you.
Your initial thought is probably that you said something you shouldn’t have and came on too strong or offended your ex. You fear that you asked for more than your ex was capable of giving. Although you might have tried to get too close to your ex too quickly, your ex probably just stopped feeling the need to respond.
He or she got what he or she was after and focused on more interesting people or things.
Don’t take your ex’s ignoring personally. If your ex talked to you for a little while (or even for a long time) but ignored you afterward, your ex may have conversed out of courtesy and familiarity rather than because your ex genuinely wanted to talk and be friends. Many dumpers respond initially and lose interest within minutes. As soon as they learn their ex doesn’t hate them, they assuage their guilt and stop seeing the need to talk to their ex.
Some dumpers ignore whereas others lose their patience and tell their ex to leave them alone.
Most dumpers, though, aren’t happy to talk to their ex. They feel relieved without their ex and smothered by their ex, so they avoid reaching out and keep their distance. They talk to their ex only when they feel nostalgic (miss their ex as friends) or want their ex’s help with some kind of feeling or benefit.
Talking relieves their curiosity whereas distance helps them stay in control of their feelings, decisions, and life in general.
So if your ex talks to you and then ignores you, keep in mind that hot and cold behavior indicates disinterest. It doesn’t mean that your ex is still deciding what to do but that your ex has other options (romantic or non-romantic ones) and that your ex talks to you for the sake of being nice.
When your ex gets bored of talking or when you make your ex think that you want too much, your ex raises his or her guard and ignores you. Ignoring lets your ex control the breakup and live life on his or her terms. Living freely is probably what your ex has been craving for weeks. It’s just that your ex couldn’t feel free because he or she was committed to you and felt responsible for prioritizing your emotions and doing what was best for the relationship.
This changed when your ex left you and relieved himself or herself of moral obligations. That was when the gloves came off and revealed your ex’s true colors.
Strange dumper behavior certainly doesn’t indicate regret and feelings. If anything, it shows that your ex is going through the dumper stages and that your ex either wants you to change your behavior or give the space to self-prioritize. Whether you talk too much, ask for too much, or say the wrong things, you push your ex out of his or her comfort zone and make your ex feel uncomfortable.
Your ex feels that he or she can’t follow your pace and keep talking to you and feel respected or free at the same time. He or she has to sacrifice something. That something is time and emotions, which he or she would rather spend on more productive things. Things that don’t involve an ex from the past.
When an ex talks to you and then ignores you, your ex only sees you as someone who can occasionally make his or her life better. He or she can’t benefit from you all the time and long term, so your ex talks to you only when he or she wants to or needs to.
If you have kids, a business, or something important to discuss, your ex talks to you when he or she needs to. And if your ex feels bored, guilty, or curious about you, your ex talks to you when he or she feels like it and thinks you can make his or her life better in the moment.
Whether out of necessity or desire, your ex communicates with you for non-romantic reasons. Your ex talks to you when talking is beneficial to your ex and stops talking to you also when it’s beneficial. Your ex always does what is best for him or her even if it’s far from what’s best for you.
So keep in mind that an inconsistent ex doesn’t have romantic feelings and expectations of you. He or she has other reasons for contacting and/or responding. Those reasons can’t help you feel romantically fulfilled. They can just confuse you, hurt you, and make you wonder if your ex will come back.
In this post, we delve into the reasons your ex alternates between talking to you and ignoring you.
Why does my ex talk to me and then ignore me?
Your ex talks to you and ignores you afterward because you allow your ex to get what he or she wants or needs (practically for free). You tolerate friendship or breadcrumbs from your ex and make your ex slowly lose interest in talking.
You let your ex:
- assuage guilt or shame
- provide information and ease curiosity
- provide emotional support
- indulge in nostalgia
- get rid of boredom
- talk to you about some unimportant or important task or issue
Whenever you communicate, your ex gets what he or she wants and needs and runs out of interest (the desire to keep the conversation going). Things may seem great at first, but the problem is that your ex doesn’t feel excited to talk to you for hours or when you want to talk – the way couples do.
Your ex has priorities in life that don’t include you. Those priorities require more time and energy but they also make your ex feel better and give your ex a sense of progression and purpose. They remind your ex what’s important and why you aren’t.
Talking and ignoring or responding slowly are common dumper behaviors. Most dumpers put their ex on the back burner and reach out or respond slowly, coldly, or disinterestedly. They don’t feel close to their ex or the need to get close, so they lose the drive to converse and end the conversation in a way that aligns with their personality and values.
If you can’t figure out why your ex converses with you one moment and disregards you the next, you need to know that the change in your ex’s communication says a lot about your ex’s perceptions, personality, and feelings. It reveals not only how your ex feels or doesn’t feel about you, but also how your ex deals with difficult emotions and people he or she abandoned and no longer needs.
Your ex’s behavior in general tells you if your ex regrets leaving or has an ulterior motive for keeping you around. Usually, dumpers keep their ex around for friendship and guilt-relieving purposes. They talk to their ex when they feel bad for leaving and hurting their ex or when they want their ex’s help with something.
They don’t reach out just to see if they can make the relationship work. Dumpers already know they can’t make things work. They knew they couldn’t make it work for weeks before the breakup. But because they still had some reservations, they stayed with their ex until they became miserable and created an opportunity to exit the relationship.
The reason why your ex talks to you and ignores you on and off is that it helps your ex end the conversation on his or her terms. It lets your ex control the situation by talking to you for as long and as intensely as he or she wants to. Your ex reaches out when your ex wants a favor and stops talking to you once you’ve served your purpose.
To your ex, you’re a friend or even less than that. He or she probably wouldn’t ignore a friend – an equal. Since your ex ignores you, it’s clear that your ex doesn’t think very positively about you. Your ex thinks he or she can treat you any way he or she wants and that he or she has nothing or very little to lose even if you stop responding.
This proves your ex sees you as a convenience rather than a priority and that your ex could stop communicating altogether when your ex finds a replacement for you. A replacement could be another romantic or non-romantic prospect – someone your ex respects and has to put effort into maintaining a relationship with.
At the moment, your ex doesn’t have to try very hard. Your ex gets a response from you even though he or she disrespects (ignores) you. Your behavior indirectly shows that you’re okay with ignoring and strange behavior as long as you get to keep your ex in your life at least to some degree.
That’s not a healthy friendship, acquaintanceship, or whatever you call this thing between you and your ex. It’s a strange post-breakup relationship that serves no real purpose. Its only purpose is for your ex to talk to you when it’s convenient for your ex. When it’s not convenient, typically when you need something from your ex, your ex doesn’t care and reveals how little he or she cares about your wants, needs, and feelings.
So pay close attention to your ex’s behavior. Don’t just consider the fact that your ex talks to you, but also the times your ex ignores you. Ignoring is not moral and something people who like you and respect you do. It’s something detached people with no love and care resort to.
They know they won’t face any consequences for their immoral behavior and that their life may even get better without you.
So if you want to know why your ex talks to you and then ignores you, bear in mind that your ex’s respect for you decreased. Before, your ex used to care about your perception of him or her and the quality of the relationship. But now that your ex no longer has a purpose for you, your ex doesn’t care. He or she doesn’t fear losing your trust and respect and may even be okay with getting ignored or blocked.
Since your ex stopped seeing your worth and knows you’ll put up with nearly anything, your ex talks to you only when your ex has a reason to talk to you. This is when your ex is bored, guilty, curious, anxious, lonely, afraid, or jealous/insecure.
Your responses validate your ex and give your ex the strength to carry on without you.
At the moment, your ex has all the power and decides when to talk, how to talk, and how long you talk. Your ex is free to abuse his or her power as power lets your ex feel better about him/herself and the decision to leave you.
No matter what kind of relationship people have (friendship, relationship, or family), no one should have that much power over you. No one should be able to make you feel so easily disposable and replaceable. Especially an ex whom you love and want to get back with.
When a relationship becomes so imbalanced in terms of power, the relationship loses its purpose. It becomes meaningless and directionless and is unlikely to recover or last much longer. It usually ends for good when a better opportunity presents itself. In other words, it’s only a matter of time before your ex gets tired of responding altogether and focuses entirely on him/herself and someone else.
Don’t think you’ll be able to change how your ex treats you by talking to you and pleading with your ex. The more you try to reason with your ex and ask for attention, kindness, support, and love, the more your ex will resist it and hurt you. If you don’t stop pressuring your ex, your ex will probably feel forced to block you and push you out of his or her life by choice.
There’s no telling what your ex will do. But if you’re not prepared to find out, don’t push your ex’s buttons. Don’t annoy your ex and hope that your ex will have a change of heart. Your ex will probably get irritated and do something that makes it even harder for you to be with him or her and love yourself.
Remember that your ex ignores you for a reason. You may not know the exact reason due to a lack of insight into your ex’s mind, but it’s evident that your ex prioritizes other people and things and can’t give you the stability and safety you crave. Your ex can only give you limited time and attention. And limited time and attention don’t make you happy.
They confuse you and leave you hungry for more.
Having said that, here are 6 reasons why your ex talks to you and ignores you after breaking up with you.
What should I do if my ex talks to me and then ignores me?
As much as you want to tell your ex how his or her inconsistent behavior makes you feel and that you deserve better, remind yourself that your ex isn’t open to criticism and that he or she is already struggling to give you the amount of time and attention you ask for. Your ex gets overwhelmed with you at times and thinks that he or she has no choice but to stop responding (ignore you)
Your ex feels that the only way to be happy and feel in control is to end the conversation when the conversation suffocates your ex and makes him or her uncomfortable.
Your ex could just be honest and tell you what he or she expects from the breakup, but instead, your ex shows how he or she feels about you non-verbally – by ignoring you. Your ex lets his or her actions do the talking and expects you to understand what it means and what to do.
All you can do about an ignoring ex is stop putting your ex in a situation to ignore you. If this means no talking to your ex, then you mustn’t talk to your ex. You must focus on yourself and get your power back the hard way by loving yourself and refusing to let your ex use you for his or her selfish gain.
Your ex may not be happy to see you set some healthy boundaries and respect yourself, but this isn’t about your ex anymore. It’s about you and what you can do to improve your self-love and feel better.
Remember that your ex broke up with you and that you must worry about yourself. Think about ways to recover from the breakup and consequently, appear more attractive in the process. If you want your ex back, rest assured that not talking to your ex will impress your ex more than talking, reasoning, and portraying yourself as an improved individual.
It will make your ex curious about you and respect you for minding your own business and moving on with your life. The longer you leave your ex alone, the more your ex will like you and want to converse.
So don’t be your ex’s friend and let your ex treat you any way he or she wants. Instead of giving your ex all your remaining power, cut your ex off immediately and let your ex think, feel, and do what he or she wants. Show your ex that you’re emotionally independent and that you don’t need him or her to be happy (even if the opposite is true).
Of course, don’t fake your happiness or try to make your ex jealous on social media because that will just annoy your ex. Simply prioritize things unrelated to your ex and learn from your pre-breakup and post-breakup mistakes. You must put yourself first otherwise your ex will keep thinking negatively about you and treating you like a nobody.
When your ex starts feeling guilty, curious, bored, or lonely, your ex could decide to check up on you and talk about random things. Your ex’s renewed interest in you will show that no contact is working and that you’ve gotten some of your lost power and respect back.
While it may not attract your ex right away, it’s a significant improvement from being ignored whenever you try to communicate and feel important.
So what should you do when your ex talks to you one moment and ignores you the next?
Find the quickest way to stop interacting with your ex and giving your ex the power to ignore and reject you. Go no contact and let your ex come to you. Your ex will text or call you when he or she wants or needs you. That’s when you’ll get the chance to reconcile or ask your ex for space (if you see that your ex doesn’t want you back).
For the first time since the breakup, you’ll be in charge of your life and tell your ex what you want and don’t want. You’ll make your ex follow your lead and treat you with respect rather than leaving yourself at his or her mercy.
You don’t need to be mean to your ignoring ex (ignoring will likely just make your ex ignore you back). Simply start the no-contact rule and tell your ex if, how, and when you want to communicate. Clear communication boundaries will show your ex that you demand respect and that any wrong move could close the lines of communication.
Why do you think your ex talks to you and then ignores you? Do you think your ex still likes you and enjoys talking to you? Share your views below.
However, if you’re looking for a personalized approach to your breakup, contact us directly. We’ll go through your breakup together and look for viable solutions.
My name is Zan, and I’m a writer and a breakup analyst. I write relationship and breakup articles and strive to strike a harmonious balance between empathy and realism. If you appreciate my content, feel free to leave a comment or support me by buying me a ko-fi.
