Begging and pleading are extremely common post-breakup behaviors. Many if not most dumpees do some begging and pleading after the breakup. A little bit of desperation is expected of them due to rejection, separation anxiety, fear, uncertainty, and a loss of self-esteem.
“A little bit” of desperation means a day or two of resisting the breakup and asking the dumper for another chance. If you beg and plead with your ex for weeks or longer, that’s more than a bit of begging. It’s a lot of denial, pain, and expectations your ex won’t know how to handle.
It will be much harder to neutralize the effects of begging and make your ex forget about them when you make your ex’s life difficult every day for many days or weeks.
It won’t be impossible, but it will take longer and require your ex to be a very understanding individual.
If your ex has no breakup knowledge and considers your begging a weak and hopeless gesture, your ex may not improve his or her opinion of you even months after you’ve stopped begging. Your ex may instead continue to focus on your bad traits and behaviors and think of you as someone who lacks the ability to accept the breakup and love himself or herself.
In other words, your ex could become afraid of your highly emotional actions that guilt-trip and demand love and validation he or she doesn’t want to give.
That’s why it’s extremely important not to beg and plead for too long. A few days up to a week is understandable. But longer than that probably isn’t because it will make your ex defensive and lose respect for you. The longer you plead with the dumper, the more the dumper will think you’re ignoring his or her feelings and trying to reconcile entirely for yourself.
Your ex won’t feel bad for you and care about your feelings when he or she is certain you don’t care what he or she needs from you and wants to feel.
I know it’s hard to consider your ex’s feelings when you get dumped and feel anxious or depressed, but it’s what your ex expects from you. Your ex wants you to accept the breakup quickly and maturely and let him or her move on with a clear conscience.
If you don’t let your ex do that because you frequently express difficult emotions that make it difficult for your ex to focus on himself or herself, your ex will likely make your life difficult in return.
Your ex will reply angrily/coldly or choose not to reply at all (ignore you). That will ruin your self-esteem and make you crave your ex’s affection even more. It will tempt you to beg some more and in return, pressure your ex and delay your recovery
As a person who was dumped, your job is to look after your health and well-being. You must wean off your ex and rely on yourself for self-love and purpose. This is important so you can regain your self-worth and show your ex you’re not going to pounce on him or her the moment he or she contacts you.
One of your ex’s preconditions for reconnecting with you is seeing that you’re capable of taking care of yourself and that you don’t depend on him or her for basic human needs. When your ex sees you’ve got your emotions under control, your ex won’t feel as unsafe as he or she did when you begged and pleaded.
Your ex probably won’t like you yet, but that could change in the future when your ex stops caring about your begging and discovers a reason to communicate with you.
So is it possible to get your ex back by begging and pleading?
The answer is yes. It’s possible to get back with the dumper even if you begged for weeks or longer. The problem, however, is that it will be much harder and take much longer for your ex to feel safe enough to trust you with his or her emotions and find a reason to talk to you.
It could take your ex years to get over the begging and see your positive traits and ways you can contribute to his or her life. Whatever you do, don’t apologize for begging and ask your ex to forgive you. It will come off as another desperate attempt to wipe the slate clean and regain your ex’s interest and trust.
You’ll make a way better impression if you just stop interacting with your ex (go no contact). No contact will communicate in your stead (say everything you need to say) as it will show that you value yourself and respect your ex’s decisions and lack of feelings.
So let no contact do the job for you while you focus on improving things that are in your power to improve.
Things like your attachment to your ex, attachment style, emotional strength, self-esteem, and your shortcomings in general. Work on becoming a stronger and wiser person by the time your ex reaches out, checks up on you, asks for friendship, or wants you back.
In today’s post, we talk about how to get your ex back after begging and pleading. We discuss what you must do to make your ex process your begging and what your ex must do and feel in order to want to give the relationship another chance.
I begged and pleaded with my ex, is it over?
I’ve spoken to many dumpees who reconciled with their ex despite begging for days and making their ex feel in complete control of their emotions and lives.
They were able to get back together because they realized their mistakes and stopped convincing their ex they deserved another chance.
Instead of pressuring their ex to feel what they feel and take them back, they stopped crying and expecting love and recognition. They focused on themselves rather than their ex and let the universe work its magic. Because they let go of control and focused on more important things and people, they showed their ex they didn’t need him or her anymore and that they could be happy or happier on their own.
This on its own didn’t reattract their ex, but it did make their ex think neutrally or positively about them and wonder what or who gave them the strength to move on and live life to the fullest. When dumpers got to the last stage of the grass is greener syndrome, they essentially rediscovered their ex’s worth, saw that the grass wasn’t greener on the other side of the fence, and ran to their ex for validation and love.
This was possible only because the dumpee realized that begging was making him or her feel worse and that it wouldn’t get him or her very far. The dumpee got another chance with the dumper because he or she learned about the rules of no contact and pulled away before the dumper became resentful and lost all respect, gratitude, and interest.
I don’t want to give you too much hope, but a few days of begging probably didn’t destroy your ex’s respect for you and ability to redevelop love. It made things worse, yes, but it probably didn’t permanently damage the connection and make future reconciliation impossible.
Not unless you took revenge on your ex and completely destroyed trust and respect.
I don’t know what your ex is like as a person and how your ex thinks and feels; I can only tell you what dumpers usually experience when their ex begs and bothers them. Usually, they dislike it or hate it, but they’re at least semi-understanding of their ex’s pain and reasons for begging. They know that their ex is in shock and denial and that they’re partially responsible for ruining their ex’s relationship expectations and causing their ex pain.
They may not take full responsibility, but deep inside, they understand they made things difficult for their ex and that they owe their ex an explanation (closure).
Dumpers with this kind of self-awareness don’t become bitter over a little bit of begging. Instead of resenting their ex, they understand they complicated their ex’s life and hurt their ex’s feelings—and that it’s normal for dumpees to express pain and unmet cravings and expectations.
It’s normal for dumpees to feel rejected, confused, and lost and to act in unpredictable and unattractive ways.
Dumpers who don’t understand how breakups work and those who lack empathy are usually the ones who feel repulsed by begging behavior. They feel so annoyed and dissatisfied by their ex’s behavior that they reply angrily, ignore, or block their ex and show their ex they don’t want to interact with their ex and feel pressured.
I suppose they put their feelings way above their ex’s pain and expect their ex to understand them and give them the space they crave. They don’t know or care that their ex craves explanations and validation even more than their ex wants space.
Because they feel uncomfortable and have power and control over their ex, they think it’s perfectly acceptable to treat their ex any way they want. They have nothing to lose, so they don’t hesitate to show their ex their true colors.
Every dumper reacts differently to begging behavior. Some dumpers get angry and defensive, some ignore or block their ex, some contact their ex’s friends and family, and some endure it and explain why they’re ending the relationship and sticking with their decision.
Regardless of how mature your ex is, you must understand that begging makes your ex feel extremely uncomfortable (to say the least) and that anything that makes your ex uncomfortable lowers your ex’s patience, respect, care, and chances of wanting to get back together in the future.
Although some dumpees pester their ex for months on end and still get back together with their ex, this doesn’t apply to most dumpees. Most dumpees push their ex over the edge and lose their ex’s trust and respect. They hurt and anger their ex so much that their ex thinks of them as love-deprived junkies who only care about fulfilling their needs.
When they lose value as people and romantic partners, it’s game over for them because their ex doesn’t consider them worthy of his or her time, attention, and love. The dumper is done with them for good and chooses to stay away from them.
You see, dumpers have a limit to how much begging and stress they can endure. When their limits are crossed, they feel overwhelmed emotionally and have a hard time redeveloping respect and feelings for their ex. That’s because begging scars them and affects them to the point of no return.
Having said that, here’s why begging and pleading may prove counterproductive.
How to get your ex back after begging and pleading?
If you want to get your ex back after you’ve begged and pleaded with your ex, the first thing you must do is stop trying to explain yourself to your ex. Stop apologizing and convincing your ex that you’re a changed person and that you can be the kind of partner your ex wants you to be.
Since your ex left you, your ex doesn’t care about whether you can change. Your ex has his or her guard up and cares only about the present moment. The present moment feels liberating and empowering, so your ex wants things to stay just as they are.
If you try to change your ex’s feelings and decisions by force, your ex will see that you don’t care about anything or anyone but yourself. That will make it very difficult for your ex to feel comfortable with you and see the positives in getting back together.
To get another chance with your ex, you’ll first have to understand that not all dumpees get another chance. Many dumpees stay broken up and have no choice but to move forward with their life. It doesn’t matter if they begged or not. If their ex doesn’t believe in reconciliations, has a victim mentality, or is incapable of reflecting and growing, the dumper stays set on his or her decision, continues to self-prioritize, and finds new people to date.
You’ll get another chance with your ex only if your ex fails badly (with someone else), gets his or her expectations crushed, experiences tons of pain, lacks the tools to deal with pain, and understands your post-breakup mistakes such as begging and pleading, sending gifts, playing jealousy games, contacting your ex’s friends, etc.
A lot of things will have to go your way (and wrong for your ex) for your ex to regret thinking he or she could be happy without you. Not only will your ex have to lose confidence in who your ex is and what your ex can do, but your ex will also have to break the pattern of thinking negatively about you.
For some reason unrelated to you, your ex will have to start thinking positively about you and discover your importance in his or her life. That means your ex will have to undergo a thorough internal transformation that will make him or her ex stop thinking of you as the problem and himself or herself as the victim.
Use your imagination to think about what or who could inspire or push your ex to change so drastically. If you’re not in the mood to think, I’ll make the job easier for you; it will likely take something self-esteem destroying your ex lacks control over and the solution to. Something like a rejection or another breakup.
I know you want your ex back immediately, but reconciliations don’t happen when dumpees want them to. They’re backup plans that occur when dumpers run out of options and find a desire or need to obtain their ex’s recognition.
This tends to happen when dumpers explore their options, get in trouble, and realize their ex can heal their wounds and make them feel loved and needed.
Don’t expect the internet to provide you with some secret trick that will magically make your ex want you back after begging and pleading. Such a trick doesn’t exist. If it did, you’d have heard about it a long time ago.
To reconcile, you’ll have to do two things:
- preserve your value.
- wait for your ex’s value to drop.
When it drops (your ex gets hurt and sees his or her true self-worth), your ex will forget about your begging and pleading and worry about how to impress you and get what he or she needs from you.
At that point, you’ll just have to pay attention to what your ex is saying and feeling. If your ex just needs your emotional support and validation, your ex will talk to you for the wrong reasons. His or her reasons for reaching out won’t have anything to do with reconciliation.
But if your ex wants you back, your ex will want the whole package, not just friendship. He or she will want your love rather than just validation.
For now, you don’t have to worry about that. Focus on healing, moving on, and enjoying your life. By doing so, you’ll retain your value and let your ex put the work in if he or she chooses to do so.
Remember that your ex fell out of love and left you and that your ex is responsible for coming back.
If you try to fix your ex’s problems for your ex and force your ex to feel something for you, your ex will feel cornered and disrespected and deterred from rediscovering your value even if the world comes crashing down on your ex.
So if you want to know how to get your ex back after begging and pleading and you really want to do something to change your ex’s feelings, get it through your thick head that you mustn’t try to seize control of the reconciliation process. You can control the situation after your ex has come back and returned your lost power, but you mustn’t seek control before then.
At this moment, you must show your ex that you’re emotionally strong and in control of your emotions—and that you won’t continue to run after the person who doesn’t want you. Your ex will respect you and like you much more when you realize your mistakes and do what’s best for you.
Your confidence behavior will make it possible for your ex to consider you an equal and want you back if your ex can’t cope with problems or stressors he or she encounters in your absence.
What do you think you should do to get your ex back after begging and pleading? Do you have any ideas of your own? Share them in the comments below.
However, if you’re still looking for help on how to get your ex back after begging and pleading, get in touch with us by subscribing to 1-on-1 coaching.
My name is Zan, and I’m a writer and a breakup analyst. I write relationship and breakup articles and strive to strike a harmonious balance between empathy and realism. If you appreciate my content, feel free to leave a comment or support me by buying me a ko-fi.
