One of the most common questions dumpees have is how long no contact takes to work. When will no contact (dumpees’ absence) make their ex nostalgic and regretful to the point of reaching out and getting back together?
Dumpees are dying to know how long they’ll have to resist the temptation to contact their ex and avoid breaking the rules of no contact. They’re tired of feeling abandoned and worthless, so they want their ex back yesterday. They don’t want to lose their ex to someone else and regret not doing everything in their power to impress their ex and reconcile with him or her.
If you’re one of those dumpees and you’re tired of waiting for no contact to work, know that it’s normal to feel demotivated and doubtful at times. You’ve chosen no contact as your ex-back strategy and expect it to give you the best results.
And that’s exactly what no contact will do. It will give your ex the space he or she has asked for and make your ex respect you for it.
Sadly, no contact on its own won’t force your ex to think he or she was foolish for letting you go. No contact can’t make exes do what they don’t want to do. It merely gives them time to process the emotional overwhelm that led to the breakup and desire to focus on themselves.
If they encounter big problems and realize their life isn’t going according to plan, they could engage in reflection (provided they’re capable of reflecting) and consider their ex someone they can benefit from romantically. This is much more likely to happen if their ex kept his or her cool (avoided begging and pleading) and preserved his or her value.
When they get in trouble, feel pain, and notice their dumpee ex is doing well, the balance of power will shift in the dumpee’s favor and make the dumpee look strong and attractive. The dumpee will finally get his or her power back and be able to give the dumper what he or she is looking for. This could be (emotional) support, safety, stability, love, and purpose.
It depends on what the dumper is missing and wants to regain.
When dumpers are out of ways to deal with life problems, no contact works the way dumpees want it to work. The power of silence after the breakup hits dumpers hard because it causes dumpers to crave healthy feelings from the past – the feelings they took for granted.
Many dumpees think that no contact is a waiting game and that it just needs a certain amount of time to work. They simplify the reconciliation process (convince themselves reconciliations work the same way for all dumpees) and that regret will affect their ex out of the blue one day.
Although their ex could get hit by regret, it probably won’t happen randomly. A little bit of nostalgia and a few problems here and there won’t inspire the dumper to change his or her mind about the breakup and run back to an ex.
Things must go seriously wrong for your ex for that to happen. Your ex must realize that the path he or she is on is a dead-end path and that he or she will stay unhappy unless he or she looks for an alternative path and a different source of happiness. This source of happiness must be with an ex they respect, like, and love.
If they don’t like or respect their ex, they’ll find someone or something else to rely on and keep themselves busy with. And if they like but don’t love their ex, they’ll likely friend-zone their ex and use their ex for their selfish gain.
They will come back only if they love their ex, believe they love their ex, or think there’s more to explore with their ex.
So how long does no contact take to work?
No contact takes as long as it needs to work. If your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend is dating someone else already, your ex will have to face a huge problem with that person before he or she stops feeling relieved and infatuated. It could take months or longer for that to happen, depending on their relationship dynamics and overall compatibility.
All in all, you shouldn’t expect no contact to work before your ex hits a snag and is put in a position to reflect and make changes in life. If you expect it to work ahead of time (for no reason), you’ll get your hopes up and consequently, get your hopes crushed. You’ll get hurt when you see that your ex needs much more than time to return.
Besides time, your ex also needs to experience a significant failure. A failure that destroys your ex’s unrealistic expectations, opens your ex’s eyes, and brings back your ex’s romantic feelings and expectations. This can happen weeks into the breakup or decades later.
It’s hard to predict when or if it will happen because you don’t know:
- what kind of predicaments your ex will encounter
- and how your ex will deal with them
If your ex deals poorly with them, your ex will likely remember you and want your help with them. He or she will directly or indirectly ask for time and affection because you used to give them to him or her all the time.
However, if your ex has decent coping mechanisms or support systems and deals with difficulties properly, then your ex likely won’t need you after he or she has failed and gotten hurt. Your ex will probably keep moving forward and find someone else to distract himself or herself with.
You remember how your ex acted in the past and know your ex better than me, so you probably know how your ex deals with difficult emotions. You have a general idea of whether your ex is the sentimental type who values people and regrets hurting people, the avoidant type who runs away from problems, or the resentful type who blames the world for his or her problems and unwanted feelings.
These are, of course, just generalizations. People are complex beings who think, feel, and act in millions of different ways. But if your ex has fears of being alone, it’s much more likely that he or she will return to you when he or she gets dumped and/or struggles to find a (high-quality) partner.
That’s why the most important thing you can do is figure out what kind of person your ex is. Does your ex get attached and become nostalgic? Does he or she have a tendency to come back after a breakup? Your ex’s personality, attachment styles, past behaviors, and chances of getting in trouble will help you determine if your ex is even capable of returning and worth waiting for.
Of course, no dumper is worth waiting for. But since you have feelings for your ex, you’re willing to wait anyway. You’ll wait for as long as you depend on your ex for recognition and self-love.
Once you’ve detached and stopped seeing your ex as the most attractive person on the planet, you’ll take your rose-tinted glasses off and stop wondering how long no contact takes to work. Instead of worrying about no contact and rebuilding the connection with your ex, you’ll worry about rebuilding the connection with yourself and those who appreciate you.
In today’s post, we shed some light on how long no contact takes to work and what you can do to improve your chances of a successful reconciliation.
How long does no contact take to work?
No contact can take any amount of time. It can take a day, a week, a month, a year, a decade, or your whole life.
Its success and how quickly it works depend on one main thing. Your romantic value in your ex’s eyes. If your ex blames you for the breakup and thinks poorly of you, no contact will take quite some time to work because your ex will first have to process anger and resentment before he or she feels comfortable around you, gets in trouble, and considers you an ex worthy of going back to.
The thing about no contact is that it’s always working. It’s already giving your ex space and gradually showing your ex that you respect his or her decisions and feelings and that you won’t do anything to obstruct his or her post-breakup happiness and expectations. You won’t initiate contact, guilt-trip, demand things, and annoy your ex just because you don’t agree with the breakup.
This will slowly show your ex you’re not a threat and that the least you deserve is respect.
No contact has many purposes. Its main purpose is, of course, to help you detach and heal your wounds. Dumpees don’t usually start no contact for this reason. But they do continue it months into the breakup when they realize no contact has helped them get their self-esteem back up and made them into better people.
When it comes to personal growth and detachment, no contact doesn’t take long to work. Its effects can be noticed very quickly. Most dumpees feel much better (although not healed) a few weeks into no contact and notice they’ve grown as people and partners. They realize no contact is working detachment and self-development-wise and feel glad they left their ex alone and kept their dignity.
The better dumpees are at adhering to the rules of no contact and the more dumpees want to change, the more they wean off their ex and grow within.
As for when no contact starts working on dumpers, it depends on each dumper. Some dumpers get hit quickly within weeks of no contact whereas others need much longer. From my experience, they need at least a few months to process negativity and discover their ex’s worth.
A few months are usually not enough, though. They’re enough only when they get involved with a player man/woman or someone incompatible with them. Most of the time, it takes dumpers a few months just to stop feeling relieved and get used to not having their ex around.
It can take even longer if they start dating someone new because in that case, they feel infatuated and thank the stars they met someone they connected with.
Anyway, the secondary purpose of no contact is to:
- make your ex respect your strength and determination
- make your ex process breakup emotions
- let your ex think about you when/if he or she wants to
- let your ex explore his or her new life without you
- help your ex figure out if the grass is greener on the other side
The purpose of no contact isn’t to force your ex to redevelop romantic feelings. It’s to let your ex be free and in control of his or her life. If as a free person, your ex discovers that life isn’t going as well as he or she thought it would, your ex could reflect on his or her decisions and willingly fall back in love with you. When your ex falls back in love, it’s only a matter of time before your ex contacts you, apologizes, and asks for another chance.
Romantic feelings will urge your ex to express how he or she feels and hope that he or she receives a similar response back.
So if you want to know how long no contact takes to work, bear in mind that most of the time, it takes longer than dumpers want it to. Most dumpees are detached or semi-detached by the time their ex processes the breakup, checks up on them, or wants them back.
No contact doesn’t work (reattract the dumper) in 30 days – as some coaches say it does. 30 days of no contact is just a number and doesn’t make the dumper realize anything other than that he or she should have left sooner. You should do no contact without an end date. End no contact only when you’re over your ex and want friendship or when your ex wants you back.
Don’t break it thinking your ex has had enough time to enjoy life and think things through. If you didn’t hear from your ex, your ex’s absence speaks for itself. It tells you that your ex hasn’t had enough time or opportunities to fail and discover your worth. Your ex may have processed negative emotions, but your ex still needs to find a motive to reconnect with you as a romantic partner.
A good motive could be anything that stops your ex’s happiness streak, brings your ex back to reality, and shows your ex that his or her new life won’t be very good.
So whatever you do, don’t do no contact only for a few weeks. Instead of giving up midway, stay strong during your moments of weakness and remember that your ex won’t know what to think and how to respond if you express your emotions and expectations. Your ex will likely feel overwhelmed and tempted to escape the emotionally demanding situation.
If you push your ex to do what you want, your ex could also insult you, tell you he or she is dating someone else, ignore you, or block you. There’s no telling what your ex will do. But if you’re not ready for the worst, don’t break no contact and pressure your ex.
Let your ex get the space he or she craves and come to you when he or she feels ready. You’ll know your ex is ready to talk when your ex contacts you first and appears calm and collected. Your ex may just breadcrumb you, but at least your ex will make the first move.
With that being said, here’s how long no contact takes to work.
Things that determine how long no contact could take to work
We’ve established that personal failures determine when or if your ex comes back. But another simple and important thing is the length and intensity of your relationship. If you were in an intense long-term relationship, your ex will need longer to process it and regain his or her identity. Your ex will have to forgive you for hurting him or her, spend some time without you, cool off, and acknowledge his or her mistakes.
These things could take time. A lot of time.
I can’t tell you how long it will take, but if you split up because of cheating, lying, or something that broke your ex’s trust and respect, your ex will likely need many months or years to get over the past and consider you an equal. Betrayal of such a degree can be difficult to leave behind. Most dumpers need a lot of time to convince themselves their ex is a changed person and that he or she deserves another chance.
Only the most insecure individuals quickly forgive their (unfaithful) ex and take their ex back. Such dumpers feel invalidated and hurt and want their ex to make them feel loved and needed.
Another thing that could determine how long no contact takes to work is your ex’s attachment style. If your ex has an avoidant attachment style, your ex could take significantly more time to process negative emotions than an ex who feels secure or anxious. Avoidant exes run away from emotions they don’t understand and want to feel. They blame their exes for them instead of taking accountability and putting the necessary work in.
Every person and breakup is different. Don’t expect your ex to take as long as others’ exes. Your circumstances differ from other breakups and must be treated individually. Be prepared to give your ex as long as it takes, even if it takes years. No matter how badly you want to break no contact rules and contact your ex, remember that no contact is working without your awareness one day at a time and that something must happen to your ex to change his or her mind and redevelop feelings.
Something or someone must destroy your ex’s expectations and show your ex that he or she can only be happy with you.
If you contact your ex prematurely, you could mess up your ex’s recovery process and receive an unpleasant response from your ex, which would, in turn, hinder your healing. You could make the breakup difficult for your ex as well as yourself. Hence, it’s better to remain patient and have blind faith. Convince yourself that no contact is working even though it doesn’t seem like it and that you’ll either get your ex back or move on with your life.
Have you gone no contact with previous exes or do you know someone who did? How long did no contact take to work? Share your no contact experiences in the comments below. We’d love to hear your stories.
However, if you need help and are looking for private coaching, check out our page dedicated to 1-on-1 coaching.
My name is Zan, and I’m a writer and a breakup analyst. I write relationship and breakup articles and strive to strike a harmonious balance between empathy and realism. If you appreciate my content, feel free to leave a comment or support me by buying me a ko-fi.
