Unfortunately, distance is one of the most common relationship destroyers. It destroys thousands and thousands of couples every year and forces them to go their separate ways. Distance causes them to fall out of love and entices them to pursue happiness somewhere or with someone else.
Oftentimes, couples discard their relationship for someone else. They develop a crush on someone they know nothing about (someone physically closer and more available to them) and leave their long-term relationship to feel validated and needed. They don’t care or understand that they’re cheating and that the new person won’t make them feel euphoric forever.
As soon as the infatuation phase is over, their relationship will require actual work to maintain and bring them back to reality.
Maybe you and your partner didn’t break up because of someone else or because you wanted to see if you could meet someone else. Maybe there was no one else, and you just couldn’t get along or keep the bond strong and meaningful. If you failed to stay in love, you failed to invest in the relationship and remind each other why the relationship mattered.
You (as a couple or individually) expected the relationship to stay strong on its own and ended up taking the connection for granted.
Moreover, if the main issue was that you couldn’t agree on how to decrease the physical distance, you weren’t willing to compromise enough for each other. The distance was an obstacle you couldn’t overcome despite feeling attracted to each other and getting along.
A relationship that functions emotionally, physically, sexually, and in every other way except distance-wise isn’t a compatible relationship.
It’s incompatible, but only because the people behind the wheel aren’t ready to make some changes to make it work. They have their own visions, goals, and expectations of what their ideal relationship should look like and what they’re allowed to sacrifice for it.
If they’re convinced they should date someone closer to them and that they can’t or shouldn’t move places for their partner, they break up because of their inability or unwillingness to do what’s necessary for the relationship to overcome the distance hurdle.
They break up because of incompatible beliefs. They don’t want to change their beliefs, so they walk away from the relationship that could have been saved if they discussed their goals and made some necessary concessions.
So if you’re breaking up because of distance, bear in mind that neither of you was willing to adjust your views and stay committed to the journey you invested in. Whether you weren’t willing to see each other more often, call more often, keep the relationship fresh, stop talking to certain people and improve trust, or relocate, the relationship ended because you wanted it to.
You didn’t think the relationship was worth your effort and time, so you abandoned it when stressors or doubts piled up.
Don’t blame the distance for the breakup as the distance is innocent. It’s you and your ex who refused to adapt to the distance and look for healthy solutions to overcome its challenges.
The only two people in charge of the relationship were you and your ex. You were the captains at the helm, steering the relationship in whichever direction you wanted. If you steered it into the iceberg, you have only yourselves to blame as you were fully responsible for the direction, maintenance, and ending of the relationship.
Think of the distance as an obstacle you weren’t willing to overcome. You saw more negatives in continuing the long-distance relationship than positives in keeping it going, so naturally, you allowed yourselves to lose interest and perseverance.
You let yourselves focus on other people or things instead of each other, created backup plans for when the relationship ended, stopped being afraid of losing each other, and took the opportunity to leave as soon as you knew you’d be all right without each other.
Toward the end, your relationship mentality changed from being the right people for each other to not being compatible. You stopped appreciating each other and putting your best foot forward, so you couldn’t or rather didn’t stop the relationship from deteriorating.
You preferred breaking up over staying in a directionless relationship with no plans for the future.
What you feel now probably isn’t love. It’s an understanding that you ended a good relationship solely because of the distance. You didn’t want to end it, but since you weren’t fulfilled by texting and calling, you felt that you had no choice but to seek fulfillment elsewhere.
You decided that long-distance communication wasn’t worth your time and that cutting the distance was out of your comfort zone. This made you incompatible because neither of you was prepared to fight for it. Over time, you lost faith in the relationship and decided to abandon it to pursue greener pastures.
It may seem that you still love each other, but love is more than a feeling of guilt, sadness, and loneliness. It’s a desire to bond, spend time together, and swim oceans to be with each other. You don’t let go of someone you claim to love. Not unless that person detached from you and doesn’t love you back.
In that case, you must accept the breakup and give up on it as fast as you can.
The point I’m trying to make is that you wouldn’t be breaking up because of distance if you were still in love. You, your ex, or both may be trying to paint it that way, but if you were in love, you’d work together and look for ways to cut the distance and stay together. You wouldn’t give up on each other when all you need is to figure out how to be physically closer to each other.
I get that children, finances, family, friends, work, and education can complicate the long-distance relationship. They can make it harder for someone to take a risk and uproot his or her entire life, but that’s not an issue when love is big enough. I’ve seen hundreds of couples move cities and continents for the sake of love.
Some even brought their kids with them and showed the world that nothing could stop them from being together. Not even long-distance. Such couples had a healthy and strong relationship mentality as they remained patient and determined to be together.
So if you’re breaking up because of distance but still in love, bear in mind that only the most committed couples withstand the distance and slowly transform their long-distance relationship into a close/no-distance one. Only those who value the relationship commit to staying together and making the relationship work.
Those who break up because of distance often blame the distance for their failure. They forget that the distance is an obstacle rather than a dealbreaker.
Many couples break up because of the effects physical distance has on them. They don’t break up directly because of distance but because they can’t adapt to the dynamics physical distance creates. They want to communicate and bond in person rather than through distance. That’s why they convince themselves the relationship isn’t worth their time and emotional investment and that they could be happier with someone closer to them.
In this post, we discuss what to do if you’re breaking up because of distance but still in love.
Breaking up because of distance but still in love
If you’re breaking up because of distance but still in love, you must first ask yourself whether you truly are still in love. Do you wish to stay together but can’t or do you simply not want to? If you don’t want to stay together, it’s because you’ve decided not to stay together. You’ve convinced yourselves you could be happier without each other and that it wasn’t worth searching for compromise.
The relationship wasn’t giving you what you wanted or needed, so you used the distance as an excuse to break up. It let you part ways amicably and reduced guilt and nostalgia.
You must have heard the phrase, “When there’s a will there’s a way.” As long as you want something badly enough, you’ll fight for it and compromise if necessary. Maybe you won’t see each other every week, but you’ll do everything in your power to bond through the distance and work on cutting the distance.
You won’t let the distance break you up.
On the other hand, if something other than willpower prevents you from being together, then you’re probably focusing on it so much that you don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. You’re assuming things will always stay that way and that you may as well break up now.
This kind of thinking prevents you from bonding and staying committed, so you break up even though things will likely change in the future. We live in a modern age where couples can communicate and maintain their relationship through the distance. They don’t need to be physically close all the time to stay committed.
Those who need physical closeness all the time don’t believe in long-distance relationships. They want a relationship they can benefit from physically, not just emotionally. Now, holding hands, hugging, kissing, and intercourse all contribute to feelings of closeness, but they’re not necessary (especially all the time) to maintain the relationship.
They’re necessary only when couples convince themselves they need constant physical touch and intimacy. In those cases, long-distance relationships become impossible for them as they don’t meet their expectations.
Couples who break up because of distance often:
- go to college far away from home
- find work abroad or in a different city
- can’t decide on who should move and leave his/her life behind
- don’t want to abandon/relocate with their kids
- wish to stay close to their friends and family
- prefer to stay in their comfort zone
- feel close to someone else and/or entertain the idea of giving someone closer a try
Other common reasons for breaking up are:
- lack of communication or poor communication
- lack of bonding
- stress, anxiety, depression, and emotional overwhelm
- jealousy and insecurity
- neglect
- lack of gratitude
- the grass is greener syndrome
- cheating
Couples lose interest in long-distance relationships after a while because they take the relationship for granted and think relationships shouldn’t be so hard. They’d rather start fresh with someone new they know nothing about and be in a less complicated relationship.
So be honest with yourself and ask yourself if the circumstances are too difficult for you to be together or if you just don’t want to be together.
Do you live in different countries and can’t see each other because you have a criminal record? That would probably prevent you from meeting up and starting a life together. You could go to countries that allow travel with a criminal record, but it’d be difficult to live there. Breaking up and finding someone you can live with would probably make more sense – at least from a rational perspective.
That’s just an example of when you can justify breaking up because of distance and claim you’re still in love.
Most people, however, see the distance as an obstacle and refuse to find a workaround. They don’t want to wait long enough for their circumstances to change, so they leave when they fully detach and find an opportunity to deliver the bad news.
Oftentimes, they initiate a breakup when they get into an argument or feel under or overprioritized.
Having said that, here are 5 tips to remember when you’re breaking up because of distance but still in love.
The challenges of breaking up due to long-distance
When you break up because of distance, you feel abandoned and rejected as if you failed a normal (no-distance) relationship. You feel separation anxiety and pain and go through the same stages dumpees go through. First, you experience shock and denial, followed by depression, anger, and loss of energy. Then, you start to accept the breakup and consider your ex as or more responsible than you for the breakup. And finally, you accept the breakup fully and recover from it.
You enjoy your life and see purpose outside of the relationship with your ex.
Long-distance breakups aren’t any easier than normal ones. They trigger the same kind of thoughts and feelings and require months to recover from. The only good thing about long-distance breakups is that you don’t have to worry about running into your ex. Knowing you won’t bump into your ex can ease your mind when you’re in public and help you avoid thinking about your ex.
Consequently, it can help you stop obsessing over your ex and allow you to get over your ex quicker.
You probably think that long-distance relationship breakups are harder because you can’t talk about things in person, which is true. In person, you can see your ex’s expression and feel cared for (unless your ex is angry, mean, and cold). Your ex can help you take things less personally and answer any questions you may have.
But if you don’t get the privilege of being broken up in person, then that’s fine too. You don’t need to get closure in person. You can get everything you need from afar. And even if you can’t get it (if you get ghosted or if your ex doesn’t want to talk about it), you can find out what went wrong without your ex.
You just need to think about the issues that transpired toward the end of the relationship and draw a conclusion.
Besides, you’ll heal quicker if you don’t befriend your ex and keep talking to your ex. You’ll recover the fastest if you follow the rules of no contact. These rules will help you get your strength back and see that talking to your ex would have been a huge mistake. It would have kept your wounds open and forced you to stay hung up on your ex.
So even though you don’t get to talk about the breakup in person, bear in mind that you’ll still need a lot of time to get back on your feet. You’ll still need months to rebuild your self-esteem and discover your worth and purpose. The breakup will force you to wean off your ex and rely on yourself for happiness and meaning.
Fortunately, you’ll get to stay physically away from your ex and keep healing. You won’t know how your ex is doing (unless you stalk him or her online – which would be a huge mistake). Make sure to avoid checking up on your ex and thinking you must see your ex in person to change his or her mind. None of the dumpees I spoke to got their ex back by driving or flying to their ex.
They just made their ex uncomfortable and got branded as desperate stalkers.
You need to respect your ex’s decision to leave and remind yourself that if your ex still loved you, he or she would have stayed with you despite the distance. Your ex would have proposed different ideas on how to shorten the distance and live together.
I hope you’ve learned that there is no such thing as breaking up because of distance but still in love. Unless something or someone out of control is preventing you from being together, you’re breaking up due to your unwillingness to meet each other halfway. You’re against making sacrifices that would cut the distance and give your relationship a proper chance.
Are you still thinking that you’re breaking up because of distance but still in love? Is your definition of love unwillingness to compromise? Let us know your thoughts and experiences in the comments below.
And if you’re looking for explanations or assistance with your long-distance breakup, check out our coaching options and get in touch.
My name is Zan, and I’m a writer and a breakup analyst. I write relationship and breakup articles and strive to strike a harmonious balance between empathy and realism. If you appreciate my content, feel free to leave a comment or support me by buying me a ko-fi.
