If your boyfriend or girlfriend left a working/loving relationship, you probably feel hurt, lost, and confused. You wonder why your ex abandoned you all of a sudden and started searching for greener pastures. Why didn’t he or she talk to you and look for ways to improve relationship imperfections together?
Your ex did it before, so why not now? Surely, the relationship could have been saved if your ex just talked to you about the problems and expressed his or her feelings before things spiraled out of control.
Well, the relationship could indeed have been saved. It could have been saved and improved if your ex just discussed relationship matters like an adult and found a healthy compromise. The problem was that your ex wasn’t open to discussion. It was too late for that because you couldn’t or didn’t want to change the things that bothered him or her.
Your ex just assumed that things wouldn’t get better and that he or she would be happier alone or with someone else. This led to complete emotional detachment and perhaps even bitterness and repulsion.
It’s not uncommon for dumpers to despise their ex after the breakup. When dumpers feel trapped and smothered, they want out of the relationship immediately. They lack the patience to discuss relationship concerns and things that remind them of the past.
Due to the immense need to seek happiness elsewhere, all they want is to think about themselves and those who keep them focused on the present moment. If their ex obstructs their space, freedom, and privacy, they often reveal their true personality and make their ex regret reaching out and/or asking for something he or she shouldn’t have.
Many times, it’s not the differences that break couples up but their immature thinking. Their relationship mentality isn’t good enough for a committed relationship because they aren’t ready to settle down and resolve relationship problems and doubts yet. They think that they deserve better and that someone better is waiting for them out there.
Someone perfect who can fulfill all their needs, not just the needs their partner fulfills.
We call this thinking the grass is greener syndrome. It happens to men and women who take their partners for granted. They take them for granted because they lack the most basic relationship trait called gratitude. Either they always lacked it or they lost it because they compared themselves to others and thought they deserved more from life.
Many people want a better romantic partner and lose feelings and attraction for their current partner.
They imagine this flawless person and convince themselves they must search for him or her. If they were to search for that person while they were still committed to their partner, they’d be cheating, so they often break things off and look for their ideal partner immediately after the breakup.
They do this with no regrets and a clear conscience.
Other times, they already have someone lined up; someone they consider an upgrade, a distraction, and a provider of validation and support. They don’t understand that they abandoned a decent partner they could grow with and have an even better relationship with.
That explains why so many dumpers look for a perfect partner rather than accepting their partner and making their partner into someone they’re proud of, grateful for, and happy to be with. They have high (unrealistic) expectations of their partner and think someone else will give them what they want from a partner.
Little do they know that the new person will come with faults of his or her own and that the relationship will have ups and downs like any relationship. They tend to learn this the hard way months later when the relationship gets serious.
Although we shouldn’t settle for someone we’re unhappy and incompatible with, we also shouldn’t think we must find the perfect person. A perfect person doesn’t exist. We all have flaws, insecurities, and irritating habits people find annoying. They range from chewing loudly and prioritizing things others don’t understand to not making as much money as someone else.
Someone is always better at something than us, but that doesn’t make us easily replaceable. Sure, we can be physically replaced, but personality and character-wise, there’s no other person like us.
Those who are aware of that and value us won’t replace us with a random new person. They’ll focus on bonding and staying committed through thick and thin.
Unfortunately for you, your ex’s relationship mentality changed. It changed from wanting to work on the relationship with you to focusing on its negative points and/or thinking he or she could get more benefits and more positive feelings from someone else.
Your ex forgot that all relationships require constant work. Some more than others, but all in all, they can’t thrive when someone stops putting his or her best foot forward and looks for satisfaction elsewhere. Those who stop investing in it often get affected by the grass is greener syndrome and leave the relationship to search for everlasting happiness.
Very few dumpees actually find what they’re looking for. Most of them just move from one person to the next and blame their exes for their problems. Such dumpers don’t learn and improve much. They have a victim mentality and think they’re unfortunate when it comes to finding the right partner.
Instead of discovering their flaws and doing something about them, they expect others to do all the work while they search for someone who fulfills all their wants and needs.
In this article, we talk about the grass is greener syndrome regret. We discuss when regret kicks in and what you should do if your ex got the grass is greener syndrome.
What does the grass is greener syndrome regret look like?
If your ex got the grass is greener syndrome and left you to chase the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, you probably want to know what regret will look like when your ex has an epiphany and realizes the grass isn’t greener on the other side. You want to know what your ex will think, feel, and do when his or her post-breakup expectations fall short and trigger regret.
Let’s start with what your ex will think. The first thoughts on his or her mind will be whether your ex can still return to you and secure a spot with you. Your ex will wonder if you’re willing to forgive him or her for discarding the relationship and everything you did for your ex.
Your ex will respect you greatly, especially if you kept your cool during and after the breakup and started no contact. If you didn’t lose control over your emotions and did your best to avoid revealing your feelings and expectations, your ex will think highly of you. He or she will consider you someone who can provide validation and security and instantly fix his or her problems and feelings of regret.
Your ex will be hurt and nostalgic, so your ex will expect you to ease his or her anxiety and regret. And your ex will do this by apologizing, asking for forgiveness, inviting you out, and saying he or she has something important to tell you. Sooner than later (in less than a day), your ex will reveal his or her regrets and ask for another chance.
Your ex may not directly say that his or her unrealistic post-breakup expectations went up in a blaze, but your ex will show that the people or things he or she temporarily replaced you with couldn’t give him or her the satisfaction he or she craved.
If you know what or who your ex focused on after the breakup, your ex will probably be honest and say that things didn’t turn out as expected. But if you don’t know what or who kept your ex busy during your absence, your ex could try to hide it from you and use generic excuses for coming back to you.
Your ex could say something like:
- I missed you
- I realized I still loved you
- I had some time to think about us and changed my mind
- You’re a person I want to be with
Only the most honest exes reveal what they did while they were broken up. Such people tell their ex the truth before or shortly after reconciliation. Other dumpers keep secrets and pretend they never had the grass is greener syndrome. They don’t want their ex to think poorly of them, so they lie and downplay their reasons for failing and reattaching to their ex.
If your ex gets to the grass is greener syndrome regret stage, you’ll be the first person to know it. This is because your ex will reach out and appear sad, anxious, and stagnant in life. Your ex will crave your attention more than ever, put you in charge of the conversation and his or her emotions, listen patiently, keep the conversation going, ask about your new life, read your feelings, and try to impress you to increase the odds of being forgiven and given another chance.
Your ex will basically be very eager to get to know you on an emotional and romantic level because you’ll be his or her quickest path to emotional recovery and happiness.
You’ll know that your ex regrets leaving because your ex will treat you better than ever and want you to fulfill his or her emotional needs. For the first time since you became a couple, your ex will depend on you emotionally and work hard on impressing you and receiving your validation.
Therefore, the grass is greener syndrome regret will be easy to notice.
No longer will your ex appear smothered, angry, mean, and cold. Your ex’s emotions and attitude toward you will change from not wanting to be around you to not being able to get enough of you. This is how you’ll be able to tell that your ex has become regretful and eager (if not desperate) to get back together with you.
If you pay attention to your ex’s behavior and attitude, you’ll know that your ex is trying to get close to you and recreate attraction and romantic feelings.
An ex who hits the grass is greener regret stage of a breakup won’t pretend that everything’s fine and that he or she is in control of the breakup. He or she won’t be able to do that due to a loss of self-esteem and a lack of happiness. Unhappiness and pain will force your ex to value you more than ever and make your ex need you to validate him or her.
Just like rejection forced you to crave validation from your ex, regret will make your ex want you to ease his or her pain and suffering. Your ex will feel the same way you felt when you got dumped and lost your sense of importance and direction.
So keep in mind that your ex may act and look relieved while his or her new life feels refreshing, liberating, and fulfilling. Your ex won’t miss you much or at all because everything will be great and go according to plan.
But as soon as your ex gets hit by the regret stage of the grass is greener syndrome, your ex will stop acting excited and stop thinking you were entirely responsible for the breakup and how he or she felt.
That will be the turning point in your ex’s thinking as your ex will finally acknowledge his or her contribution to the destruction of the relationship and see you as a person he or she took for granted, over-blamed, and perhaps even mistreated.
When regret kicks in, your ex will realize that the grass is greener where you water it and that he or she stopped watering his or hers shortly before leaving.
Every dumper acts differently during the regret stage of a breakup. But all dumpers exude signs of pain and remorse. They all want to stop living with regret, shame, and unhappiness—and get their life back on track.
Because they want to stop feeling hurt and unfulfilled, they quickly contact their ex, break the ice, apologize, and ask for another chance. They don’t wait long to get to the point and indirectly express their dissatisfaction with their decisions and life in general.
If they make you wait, they’re not regretful about leaving the relationship. They’re regretful about creating chaos in your life and hurting you. It’s important to distinguish the difference between the grass is greener syndrome regret and a little bit of guilt, shame, nostalgia, and curiosity.
A person who thought life would be better without you but was proven the opposite gets a harsh reality and learns your worth the hard way. He or she is forced to open his or her eyes and see that happiness now and in the future is at stake.
If the dumper doesn’t try to fix the situation by going back to the dumpee, he or she will continue to suffer and need much longer to recover emotionally. The dumper will have to find a way to replace you and live with regrets.
Having said that, here’s what the grass is greener syndrome regret looks like.
What does it take for an ex to experience GIGS regret?
Most dumpees don’t care what their ex does after the breakup as long as their ex experiences the grass is greener syndrome regret. Some dumpees are even okay with their ex dating someone else and having a child with that person. The things they’re willing to put up with for an ex who doesn’t value them back are contrary to common sense.
But since they’re highly emotional and desperate for love, they don’t care what their ex does as long as their ex has an epiphany and realizes the grass isn’t greener on the other side of the fence.
Due to a loss of self-esteem and immense separation anxiety, they’re often happy to befriend their ex and/or wait for their ex for years.
What such dumpees don’t understand is that dumpers don’t value exes who put their life on hold for them. They don’t respect such people because they make it clear that dumpers are the prize.
The only exes dumpers respect are those who accept the breakup and showcase strength, confidence, emotional stability, and ability to learn and improve.
You need to understand that your ex won’t get to the grass is greener regret stage with time alone. If time was all your ex needed, all dumpers would sooner than later regret taking their ex for granted, realize their mistakes, redevelop romantic feelings, and come running back.
They would give their hurt ex a second chance (or rather ask for a second chance) and improve their commitment to the relationship.
Unfortunately, it takes more than a little bit of time for dumpers to return to a person whose value they shredded.
To return, dumpers must be capable of getting hurt and reflecting on their decisions and actions. If they lack self-awareness and the ability to let go of the problems and pain they experienced in the relationship with their ex, they often blame their ex for the breakup and don’t become regretful no matter how much time passes.
Hence, it’s safe to say that time merely allows dumpers to explore their post-breakup life. It doesn’t turn them into people who become nostalgic about the past and capable of admitting their flaws and mistakes. If you eagerly wait for the day when your ex misses you and wants you back, you’ll stay hopeful about reconciliation and fail to move on with your life.
Your life will continue to revolve around your ex and waste your valuable time. Due to the belief that all your ex needs to love you is time, you’ll heal and let go of hope much slower than dumpees who understand breakup dynamics.
That’s why you shouldn’t compare your relationship to other success stories and expect the exact same thing to happen to you. What happened to someone else won’t happen to you. People are just too different. Their personalities, mentalities, maturity, problems, coping mechanisms, experiences, and the effect (negative) experiences have on them differ from your ex.
Your ex will need something else to want you back. He or she will need to fail romantically, ambitiously, socially, or in some other way to stop thinking highly of himself or herself and stop thinking lowly of you. It will take some difficult experience that shocks and hurts your ex and causes him or her to reflect on life.
Don’t expect your dumper ex to randomly realize that he or she got the grass is greener syndrome. Dumpers don’t realize anything randomly. Everything that happens happens for a reason. This includes relationships, breakups, and reconciliations.
Breakups occur for various reasons, but the most common ones are a lack of trust and feelings and resentment. Reconciliations, on the other hand, happen when dumpers’ expectations fail and tell them they won’t be happy unless they lean on their ex for love and support and patch their wounds.
So if you’re hoping that your ex’s post-breakup plans fall apart, know that this may or may not happen (especially while you still have feelings for your ex). It could happen much later when your ex gets serious about someone new and gets his or her heart smashed. That’s when your ex could reach out to you and hope that you ease his or her pain and suffering.
Your ex could also move on to someone else, fail with that person, and choose to move on to the next best thing. Some dumpers believe exes are exes for a reason and don’t go back to them even if they’re hurt, sad, and lonely. Likewise, some dumpers resent their ex and don’t want to let go of negative perceptions of their ex. Negative perceptions give them power and heighten their sense of control.
I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but you need to be aware of the possibility that your ex’s grass is greener syndrome could make your ex keep thinking there’s always someone better for him or her out there. This mentality could make it difficult for your ex to want to settle down and work on growing with someone he or she likes.
What if my ex doesn’t regret leaving me?
If it’s been a while and your ex hasn’t hit the regret stage of the GIGS syndrome, it doesn’t necessarily mean that your ex never will. It could just mean that your ex hasn’t fully experienced post-breakup life or that his or her life isn’t bad enough to reflect and want you back. If it’s just so-so, it’s not enough to trigger longings for the past.
Your ex’s new life must be significantly worse than the life he or she abandoned. It must be so bad it makes your ex experience intrusive thoughts and tons of unwanted emotions he or she lacks the tools to do anything about. It’s extremely unlikely that your ex will return just because your ex met someone who appears to be a decent, but not perfect partner.
Your ex can regret leaving you only when the new person is much less fulfilling to be with. He or she must make your ex think that you made him or her feel happier, safer, and purposeful.
When your ex is convinced you’re the better person, your ex will leave the new partner for you and recommit to you (not necessarily in the same order). Your ex will drop everything and everyone else and recommit to you.
If this doesn’t happen, it’s not the end of the world. It’s the start of a new beginning and a chance to find someone who likes you and wants the same things as you. You’ll find that person eventually, but for now, focus on getting over your ex and living your life to the fullest.
Prepare yourself for the worst so you don’t get disappointed if your ex doesn’t understand the causes of his or her grass is greener syndrome and never comes back. Life’s too short to wait for an ex to have an epiphany. Your ex isn’t waiting for you to realize things, so you shouldn’t do it either. Instead, keep detaching and finding joy and purpose outside of the relationship with your ex.
It might take a while, but eventually, you’ll find it and consider the breakup your ex’s loss.
Until that happens, focus on getting through the breakup one day at a time and improving in ways you need to improve. Your ex won’t come back because of all the positive changes you make as a result of the breakup, but he or she will respect you more for them and get along with you better if he or she comes back.
Whatever you do, don’t play jealousy games with your ex. If you want to post on social media, you can. Just make sure it’s about as often as before and that you don’t overwhelm your ex. You don’t want to annoy your ex with fake happiness because you’ll get yourself blocked.
Post mostly your biggest achievements and the things that give your life meaning. Your ex will occasionally check up on you and see what’s keeping you busy and how you’re coping with the breakup.
Are you hoping your ex reaches the regret stage of GIGS? Did you notice any changes in your ex’s life? Post them in the comments section below.
And lastly, if you want our take on your ex’s behavior and chances of engaging in reflection, check out our coaching options and get in touch.
My name is Zan, and I’m a writer and a breakup analyst. I write relationship and breakup articles and strive to strike a harmonious balance between empathy and realism. If you appreciate my content, feel free to leave a comment or support me by buying me a ko-fi.
