If your ex-girlfriend is dating someone new just days, weeks, or months after breaking up with you, she’s not a very patient, empathetic, and caring person. She’s way too eager to get to know someone else and start a new serious relationship with him.
She should be focusing on herself and improving her flaws, but instead, she’s skipping the self-improvement phase and monkey-branching straight into another person’s arms.
Your ex-girlfriend is trying to be happy with someone else even though she just got out of a serious relationship and hasn’t invested in herself yet. In her mind, she doesn’t need to because she thinks you’re responsible for the destruction of the relationship and expects the new person to give her everything she wants and needs.
She expects the new guy to be you without all the imperfections and mistakes.
What she’s forgetting is that he’s a human being who will make mistakes and hurt her at times. If she doesn’t lower her expectations and become okay with his errors and shortcomings, she could take the new guy for granted, get tired of investing in him and getting hurt by him, and leave him when an opportunity presents itself.
An opportunity could present itself when the relationship gets out of the infatuation (self-maintaining) phase and requires effort to keep alive. That’s when she could get tempted to give someone else a try and give up on her relationship.
I’m not saying this will happen for sure, but if it does, it will be due to a lack of self-growth and high expectations. If she ignores the need to grow, her new relationship won’t be any better. Not unless you’re fully responsible for the breakup.
But you’re fully responsible only if you cheated, stole from her, or lied about something unforgivable.
In that case, we shouldn’t sugarcoat it. She might find someone who likes her and deserves her. Someone who respects her and gives her the safety and stability she craved in the relationship with you.
There’s no guarantee that the new person will be her forever partner, but if you were abusive, selfish, or disrespectful, he could stay with her for a while. It could take them years to experience serious problems and doubts and abandon the relationship.
Anyway, the reason your ex-girlfriend is dating someone new shortly after breaking up with you is because she detached from you and wants another person to like and validate her. She’s hoping that the new person will ease her guilt and sense of responsibility and give her what you couldn’t.
She’s not dating to compete with you and prove to you and others that she can find a better partner. She’s dating because she doesn’t want to stagnate and be alone. Your ex craves romance and/or sex and wants the new person to entertain her and release happy hormones into her brain. The girl is in it for the positive emotions and other benefits the relationship provides.
She probably doesn’t have any long-term plans with the guy. Not if the relationship just started. That comes later when they get used to each other and set some goals.
Right now, they’re just enjoying the present moment and not worrying about the future.
I know it hurts to hear that someone else is interested in your ex-girlfriend and that she’s falling in love with him, but you need to acknowledge that she’s interested in him and that she’s not with the new person just to deal with separation pain (dumpers don’t get hurt the way dumpees do).
She’s giving the guy a try because he appears to be a decent person.
We could say she doesn’t see his bad traits yet and needs more time to get to know him on a personal level. When she gets to know him, her opinion of him will probably change. They could start to encounter problems and arguments.
So if your ex-girlfriend is dating someone new and making you anxious, try not to take the breakup and her monkey-branching personally. If you were a good, expressive, and loyal partner, your ex either cheated and monkey-branched, considered you incompatible (if your relationship was short-term), or took you for granted and got the grass is greener syndrome.
Whatever the case may be, she’s with someone new because she lost feelings and gave up on the relationship. She’s emotionally ready and eager to start a new connection with a different person. The new person isn’t much (or any) better than you, but he is new and interesting. As long as he’s new and shiny, she’ll stay attracted to him and continue to like him and date him.
Don’t expect her to leave him. They’d have to be emotionally unavailable or incompatible to break up within weeks of dating. Only emotionally unavailable and incompatible partners break up before a relationship is fully formed. Such couples need to break up to work on themselves and/or find someone better suited.
If your ex and her new partner stay together for half a year or longer, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re compatible and meant to be. All it means is that they’re emotionally compatible and willing to stay committed. They could still break up when the relationship experiences difficulties and reveals their true colors (how they deal with issues).
I’m not trying to give you false hope, but relationships are fragile. Those who think they expect them to be easy get overwhelmed and break up.
In this post, we discuss why your ex-girlfriend is dating someone new and what you should expect from her and do if you want to get back with her.
Why is my ex-girlfriend dating someone new already?
Your ex-girlfriend is dating someone new for many reasons. The two main reasons you need to be aware of are that your ex is ready for a new relationship (lost romantic feelings for you) and that she doesn’t care about your thoughts and feelings. She doesn’t feel the need to take a break from dating and avoid hurting you.
In her view, it’s perfectly acceptable to start a new serious relationship quickly or right after the breakup. As long as she gets to benefit from it, she’s okay with hurting you and prolonging your recovery process.
Your ex-girlfriend knew you were eventually going to learn about her new dating prospect. She knew it would wound you and make you compare yourself to the new person. Despite that, she did what felt right rather than what seemed right. She listened to her emotions rather than morals and showed you how little your happiness and well-being meant to her.
She acted selfishly (on her temptations) because that’s the person she is. She was taught or has developed herself in such a way that she puts her feelings and interests above others’ pain and suffering. You probably saw a preview of this side of her when you were still together.
The only reason she never made you feel this way and appeared so self-serving was because she had feelings and plans for you.
She abandoned and replaced you only when she lost interest in you, found someone else, and realized the new person could help her progress in life and make her feel important. That was when she forgot about your feelings and focused solely on her new partner and the way he made her feel.
All she cared about was moving forward with her life and obtaining validation. She couldn’t say no to it because the new person empowered her and distracted her from unwanted reminders of the past and moral obligations in the present.
He made her think she had the right to be happy and that she didn’t have to worry about an ex she left behind. Not even if she was with him for years. This kind of thinking (me mentality) allowed her to do what was best for her and eliminated or eased her sense of responsibility.
Now that she’s seeing someone else, she feels extremely excited and needed. She feels that she hasn’t been this happy in a long time and that the new person can help her feel how she wants, do what she wants, and reach her personal and relationship goals.
Everything is great and life is finally going according to plan. Little does she know that it’s all just an illusion. When she gets out of the infatuation phase, she’ll stop feeling like she’s on cloud nine and see that her relationship won’t work on autopilot. To make it work, she’ll have to improve her shortcomings, communicate properly, and make sure not to repeat the same mistakes.
If she carries her old relationship skills and mentality into the new one, she’ll soon encounter the same problems and risk breaking up. She shouldn’t expect her new relationship to work just because she changed partners. It will take a lot of work for her to improve herself and have a good long-lasting romantic relationship.
She’ll have to discover her flaws and commit to working on them. Self-improvement is a long process. It takes months to break a bad habit and rewire unhealthy beliefs. It can take even longer to mature and apply lessons to a new relationship.
Don’t think she’ll have a perfect relationship with this person. Things may seem perfect right now, but they won’t stay that way forever. Eventually, they’ll get comfortable with each other and show their true colors. If they don’t know how to deal with each other’s flaws and communication styles, they will cause problems, inflict pain, and bring out the worst in each other.
So keep in mind that your ex-girlfriend is dating someone new already because she thinks she has nothing important to work on. She’s convinced you were the cause of all her problems and that life will be better just because she monkey-branched. What she’s forgetting is that her new partner will have flaws too and that she’ll sooner than later encounter them and face the problems she swept under the rug.
It won’t necessarily break them up, but it will present a challenge for them. Depending on their problem-solving skills, it could lead to an argument, resentment, or a breakup.
I’m not trying to give you false hope because many dumpers make their new relationships work (at least for a while). Sometimes they find someone more compatible or similar to their ex-partner and feel no need to go back to their ex. To go back, their new partner would have to be noticeably worse. He or she would have to hurt or disappoint them so much that they run back to their ex for healing, validation, commitment, and safety.
If your ex-girlfriend is dating someone new soon after breaking up, it’s not because the guy is much better compared to you but because she doesn’t know him enough. She only knows his good traits and likes the way he makes her feel. She enjoys his company and the idea of being loved by someone new.
This is understandable. Since her relationship with you wasn’t working (at least in her mind because she focused on your bad traits), she’s now extremely eager to feel positive emotions. She’s excited to leave the problems behind and let someone new into her life. Someone who can quickly validate her and love her the way she wants to be loved.
Most dumpers don’t wait long before they start dating. They’re ready to date, so they usually date the first person they develop a crush on. By dating someone they know nothing about, they extend their relief stage of a breakup and continue to feel empowered for months to come.
Dumpers essentially chase happiness. They do things that feel liberating and regain their identity. Such things usually include dating, going out, drinking and partying, taking vacations, and doing things they previously disliked or didn’t do. The better the activity feels, the bigger the chance that dumpers will take part in it.
So if you can’t stop wondering why your ex-girlfriend is dating someone new so quickly, keep in mind that she’s tired of feeling unhappy and excited to feel desired, respected, and important. Dating helps her avoid thinking about the past and allows her to feel positive emotions.
It’s a matter of moving on with her life and trying to reach her relationship/life goals.
Having said that, here’s why your ex-girlfriend is dating someone new already.
What to do when your ex-girlfriend is dating someone new?
You probably want to do many things. You want to get angry with your ex-girlfriend for finding someone new so quickly, call and beg her for another chance, tell her you regret your mistakes and that you can make her happier than her new partner, send her gifts and acknowledgment letters, show up unannounced at her house or work, and do whatever it takes to win her trust and love back.
If you do any of these things, I guarantee that your ex will desire you even less. She’ll probably ignore you, block you, or get a restraining order against you. The less you respect her privacy, space, and new relationship, the bigger the chance that she’ll say or do something hurtful and disrespectful.
You must remember that your ex lost feelings for you and that she doesn’t want you to fight for love. She especially doesn’t want you to compete with her new partner and embarrass yourself. This isn’t a game. She’s not open to dating two people at the same time and going with the person she likes the most.
Even if she’s seeing you on the side and keeping you around as a backup option, the chances of her choosing the older and less interesting and exciting person (you) are small. She’s much more likely to go with the new guy. The new guy is new and different, which is enough for her to give him a try.
And to give him a try, she must push you away (romantically) and focus solely on him.
If you’re around her when she’s dating him, you’ll experience pain like never before. Not only will you constantly look for a chance to impress her, but you’ll also feel unwanted and desperate for her love. You’ll be miserable while she’s dating the new person and enjoying the moment.
That’s why I strongly advise you not to stay close to your ex. Don’t settle for friendship and try to interfere with her relationship. No one knows when or if they’ll break up. They could stay together for years (and then break up) or not break up at all. I don’t have a crystal ball to predict the success of their relationship, but I do know that you’ll stay miserable if you stay in touch and wait for her to break up.
You’ll keep waiting for her to come back and patch your wounds rather than taking control of your life (detaching, healing, growing, and finding your purpose).
Besides, your ex won’t respect you if you make yourself too available to her. She’ll see that she can get back with you any time and that she’d rather be with a person whose attention and love she needs to work for. This person could be her current partner or someone else.
What should I do then?
You should let go of control, show her you value yourself, and respect her decision to leave. Demonstrate high confidence and self-esteem—and focus on other people. I’m not saying you should date someone else and make her jealous (it won’t happen – especially while she’s dating), but you should make some new friends and hang out with your old ones.
Make sure not to appear anxious, depressed, and needy. Your goal should be to move on without your ex. It will show her you have no expectations of her and ease her guilt. That on its own won’t get her back, but it will preserve your worth as an ex and allow her to respect you.
If you want her back, you must avoid doing anything that puts pressure on her and shows you still want to be with her. You must focus on healing and wait for your ex to break up. When she breaks up, you shouldn’t message her (you shouldn’t even know she broke up). You should remain patient and wait for her to discover your worth.
If or when she does, she will contact you and try to reconnect with you. You won’t have to woo her because she’ll need you as much or more than you need her. She’ll consider you someone who can instantly resolve her problems away and make her feel loved.
So don’t try to change her feelings by force. Let her get in a pickle, learn the lessons she needs to learn, and figure out if she regrets leaving and trying to replace you. She must do some thinking before she becomes regretful, nostalgic, and ready to reconcile.
Is your ex-girlfriend dating someone new? Why do you think she’s in a hurry to date? Share your thoughts in the comments below.
And if you want us to analyze your ex’s reasons for dating and have us devise a plan to get back with your ex when she’s with someone new, visit our coaching page. There, you can choose services that best fit your needs.
My name is Zan, and I’m a writer and a breakup analyst. I write relationship and breakup articles and strive to strike a harmonious balance between empathy and realism. If you appreciate my content, feel free to leave a comment or support me by buying me a ko-fi.
